it’s so easy to point one finger at someone and yet fail to see the remaining fingers on the same hand pointing back to oneself.
when people try to tell me my faults, my natural reaction is for my shields to be raised immediately and my defence mechanism to go into overdrive. this, too, is my fault. and often by the time i realise this, i have already offended someone.
when my marathon relationship first terminated in 2005, i threw myself into work, clocking more than 12 hours on workdays. on weekends, i had avoided going home early, just so my mom would not suspect something’s amiss. i would driving from one end of the island to the other end and back, went shopping and walked aimlessly for hours, until it’s finally time to go home. when i was tired, i would try to find some quiet carparks to stop, so that i could catch a short nap. my car became my refuge. the freedom to just let my tears flow when i was driving, without the fear of being seen or questioned. it became a habit. (and this habit of going out everyday is a cause of concern for Chef. He spoke about it yesterday. yes, i got defensive. sigh!)
i am always of the opinion that the breakdown in the relationship was firstly, the change in him, then my inacceptance for his change. it was because of the change that we ended up quarrelling each time we met. i also blamed him for falling for someone else. i blamed him for wasting my years, for asking me to reconcile when he knew he is still in love with her. when people asked me why we did not get married, since we were together for a decade and five years, my reply was he never seriously asked me. i also put the blame on the group of friends we had, for causing a rift in our relationship through the things they said.
but last night, it suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps the real problem lies with me and not the people around me. people can say and do all they want. but this life is my own to live. why did i not claim more ownership of it? why did i not press on for what i believed, if i believed that he was to be the one i should marry? why did i allow my friends to tell me how incompatible we are, or that i should tell him off whenever he’s late for meetings or outings? why did i let them dictate to me how my future husband should be? why was i not be more patient and tolerant? why was i so opinionated and dogmatic about who’s right or wrong? seriously, does it really matter?
this sudden realisation came about when Chef was just being honest about what he thought about some issues and i turned defensive and reacted badly. i was initially upset. then this gave way to a fear. i feared that he will discover more habits of mine that he would not accept and then leave me. as a result of this fear, i gave him the cold shoulder when he bidded me good night. as i laid on my bed, the realisation struck me. it sent a panic through me. now, if he really does leave, it is definitely my own undoing.
in a disagreement between two people, it is seldom that the fault lies entirely on one party alone. like the saying goes, “it takes two to tango”. i should bear some blame too. i should have been more listening and less quick to become defensive. i should listen to Chef and see if there are grounds of concern and what his concerns really are before i make my judgement. now, because of my reaction, he may just retreat back into his shell and not be opened to tell me how he feels. i do not want that to happen. if he stops telling me, then we are definitely on our way to another failed relationship like my ex and i. i seriously think i am the real problem over here. if i lose Chef, then i have no one to blame except myself.
right now, there is a fissure forming in my heart again. yes… i think that is what’s happening to my heart at this very moment, as i am writing this. the pain that is tearing at my heart right now. i thought i had sealed it up. but now… i suppose it’s surfacing again. one part of me is back to being prepared to lose him eventually. that is the part that will continue to beat on, if the time comes when the rest of my heart gets shattered again.
