what should i do with someone who appears to be using me as an emotional crutch?
i am a fairly patient person. but i prefer more definitive communications and please, no mind-games. i have a rather active imagination and my imagination can run amok pretty easily. i hate to be left in a suspense. i mean, how many people you know who would rather watch the injection needle slowly piercing its way through the skin than to look away? i’m one such person. i find greater fear in the unknown than the known.
over the years of being alone, i have become an independent individual, who need my personal space to do my stuff. except for Chef, whose voice i long to hear every day, i do find it rather tiresome to be receiving telephone calls every day from others who just want to chat to kill time. i guess i have long past that stage of my life where the telephone receiver is an extension of my ear. even with Chef, we do not chat for hours over the telephone. hours on msn but not over the telephone. i tend to view telecommunications to be basically functional and if it can be reduced, then it should. time is just too precious to be wasted on “my dog peed twice today”-kind of mindless chatter. i would rather curl up on my bed with a book in hand.
there are numerous times this person in question is really trying my patience, pushing the line to see just how far i would go before i snap like an ultra-stretched rubber band, the recoil being of immense intensity. i receive a call from this person almost everyday and each conversation would basically start with tears, or the words “are you free to talk? i have something important to say.” and then proceed to tell of what went on in the day. then at the end of the conversation, a text message would tell me that only half or part of the “important something” has been divulged. or when i am prepared to set time aside to listen, i hear words like, “oh! but i am not prepared to talk to you about it now. i will only be ready to talk about it on such and such a day. i just want to know when you will be free.” hello! if you are not prepared to talk about it now, then do not even let me know there is an issue but “i am not prepared to talk about it today”. it is just so ridiculous!
i do not like to fish for information. i do not like to be held in a suspense. most of all, i do not want to become someone’s emotional crutch. it is too much of a responsibility to bear. i would gladly be there for people, to provide the emotional support, but not as a crutch for every small emotion upheaval the person faces! i believe in imparting the skills on fishing, not to fish for the person all the time.
i know i appear to be ranting, but i am really very peeved today. i just have to let it out of my system before i explode further and blow the person into fine dust.
* i wanted to mail you, but i dont have your mail. please answer here and not mail me because my mail inbox is undergoing some problems.
hi, i’m back. and i’m especially intrigued by this particular post of yours.
i used to have someone who did this to me also. and yes, i do find it irritating. in fact, just like you, i blew up at her.
but what i failed to see, was that this person was not using me as a crutch at all. she was not playing mind games with me either. but she ‘bothered’ me because she has a tendency to bottle things up inside her, until she can no longer take it. because i am close to her, she turned to me, more and more.
the reason why this person appears to bother you, is because she has been bottling too much, too too much inside her that she appears to blow up every single thing, even the most mildest of issue; out of proportion.
initially, i also thought it to be extremely tiresome when she calls me up at night almost everyday. but after our little ‘argument’, she did not bother me at all.
i was glad, because i thought the message ‘had finally sunk in.
but what i did not know, was that she retreated far too much into her shell for fear of my hot lava that had descended on her head before. she fears that i will leave her. she grew fearful to even tell people about the most minute of her daily activities, such that she answers the most basic of questions with just a smile.
in my eyes, she was alright. i thought she was alright. but i honestly did not know that she was hiding so much from those closest to her.
she could not take it one day 6 years ago, and attempted suicide. she was saved, but her sanity was not.
she is in a mental hospital somewhere now. she is not mad, but too depressed. she cries over little things, such as late dinner. she does not recognise her family members and starts screaming when they come close to her.
her family members, myself and her friends attempted to cure her, but she is too deep in her depression for anyone of us to hoist her out. we have spent so much money on her treatment, but she is still the same. the doctors told me privately that her incessant calls to me was her last attempt to save her sanity.
the psychologist also said she was on the brink of madness when she ‘bothered’ me. her personality bordered close to that of her lunatic because of her trait of bottling too much inside her and her growing fear that i will leave her to fend for herself. she also, does not like to bother people with her worries, especially her family members. the psychologist also added that this friend of mine fought to save herself, but she succumbed to severe depression after her repeated attempts.
i have been carrying this guilt with me for 6 years now. i was the closest to her, yet i did not see what she was trying to tell me through her silence. i apologise to her each and everytime i see her. on days when she is okay, she does not know why i am crying when i talk to her. every single time i visit her, i wish i did not blow up at her all those years ago. i am partly responsible for her current state.
this person who you are ranting about right now, is showing signs of what my friend went through 6 years ago. i do not know if he/she will turn out like her. i fervently hope for your sake and hers, that he/she does not turn out to be like that.
patience is a virtue. maybe this person senses your impatience, that is why everytime he/she calls you to say something, your impatience is his/her greatest fear.
be patient friend. take my advice, please. call him/her up and ‘apologise’ to him/her for exploding on her. he/she is not depending on you at all. it appears that he/she is leeching on you but that is not his/her intention . this i can tell you for sure because of what the psychologists and doctors told me.
lastly, from what the doctors told me he/she is not trying your patience. take it from a person who has medical advice and who has personal experience.
i am not one to judge people’s actions. but your explosion may be a huge mistake whose price will be paid by this person who is bothering you.
i’m not trying to scare you friend. but if your explosion just happened, it is good to clear things up with him/her as soon as possible. if your reason for exploding was because you love him/her that much and that you do not want him/her to be alone, please, please, please tell him/her that.
many people have succumbed to depression after their closest ones had flat out said to them that they are so irritating and that they are a living parasite. the living example is my friend.
please, take my advice dear friend. otherwise, you might find yourself in the same boat as me, faster than you want it to be.
i was blog hopping and i came across this site of yours a few months ago. ever since then, i have been visiting this website quite regularly.
**********************
sometimes, when we want to yell and scream at the top of our lungs, it helps if we think of what this person has done for us. has he been there for us each time we need a listening ear, or has he always set aside time for us albeit his own busy schedule?
i reread your entry thrice and the image i gather is that this person and yourself share a close relationship. i do not think i am exaggerating if i were to say that you love this person very much.
in life, we come across different people. each life treads a different path and as we grow up, we meet people from the many walks of life. they come and they go. i guess that this person has made quite an impact on your life before all this happened, because of the way he responds to you when he seems to be troubled and your entry as well.
i think this person loves to bottle things up and when he can take it no longer, he explodes. the explosion is silent, as proven by all his repetitive calls to you. a person’s personality is influenced by his past. has this person in question gone through a lot in his past all by himself, or has he been shunned before?
think of him, whatever he has done for you. and then, the question as to whether you should or should not feel irritated shall be answered on its own.
take care.
Hi tia,
thanks for dropping by again. and thank you for your invaluable advice.
i totally understand what you mean and i was very mindful of the possible repercussions when i “blew up” at this person. i made sure i explained the reason for my seeming impatience to the whole course of event that surrounded this situation and that i was thoroughly understood. because thereafter, i was still talking to this person over the phone, over other mundane matters. but i will keep your advice in mind and give this person a call later this week, when it is deemed as a better timing.
thanks once again…
hi gina,
you are very perceptive. yes, we do share a very close relationship. and because of this, i had held back my reaction time and again, as i know i had to be really careful with this delicate life. my irritation is because of the numerous times i had been left in a suspense, with the issues escalating at an exponential rate. so, i go through an anxiety attack each time i receive a call from this person, only to realise that the real issue is still not revealed.
but thank you for your view on this matter. i had already made my explanation very clear and clarified it over and over again, so that my intentions behind my frustrations are laid out plainly.
you have a good day ahead… and thank you for following my blog.
yes yes please do give him/her a call. or you may find yourself in my exact situation where the call i received was to inform me that she was in hospital already.
i can no longer save her, save for my regular visits to see her until she breathes her last. but you can save this person, so don’t take a leaf from my book.
i hope you have a great day, and continue inspiring
hey, i commented on your site before. i am mirs, and i hope you remember my temporary existence on this site of yours. i cannot remember your url but i do have a recollection of a particular post about your astute protege and i did a search. so, here i am again.
your entry has garnered quite a number of suggestions and it is shocking to read tia’s revelation. kudos to the brave lady for being able to put on a public platform a very personal experience of hers with her close friend.
patience goes a long way. it may seem disheartening to always have to swallow this person’s reluctance to divulge, but you must remember and analyse his motivation for doing that.
you may insist that he understood your rationale for exploding and that you repeated your intention several times for him to hear, but we do not know what goes on, on the other side of the line.
i am not blaming you. i do greatly understand the frustration you feel that the incessant caller is not your boyfriend but someone else. but,look at it from another angle. has this person comforted you,and rationalised your fears and stayed by your side before if you had faced issues in the past?
if he has, then now is your turn to reciprocate. this is life. sometimes you ride the crest of the waves but sometimes you fall into a bottomless pit.
i think it may be good if you give this person a call or meet him face to face.
i look forward to reading your reply. and if in any part i have offended you, i apologise.
have a great day.
hi mirs,
of course i remember you. no, don’t worry. i know you have the best of intentions in what you wrote. i had thought long and hard before deciding to tell this person what i had said, as i feel that there should be a progress in the relationship. i felt that we are stuck at a certain point and not moving forward towards being more open. often, all that are shared take place long after the dust has settled. then history would repeat itself.
but i do understand what you mean and i will take time to talk to this person this week.
thank you for your comments. you have a good day ahead too!
okay. i hope you do get call him personally or see him face to face. if possible take him to places where nature abounds the landscape. nature does wonders for depressed people.
take care.
hi, has things been alright between the person you ranted about and yourself?
i hope you’ve gotten over the issues you may have had with this person and not misunderstood his intentions if ever you did before.
maybe you could post a little something with regard to any progress you’ve made with this person in question. i’m curious and awaiting the reply with trepidation as well.
looking forward to your response. have a great day.