will you ever get tired? November 7, 2009

when a couple walks down the aisle or ink their commitment to each other for as long as they both shall live, the euphoria of the big day is great. the both of them are in cloud nine. this bliss lasts till after the honeymoon and then the doldrums of everyday living starts to settle in. the radiance starts to fade as the pair adjusts to living together, learning more and more about each other’s peculiar habits.

i observed married couples in shopping centres or in public. in some cases, the walking distance between the couple is positively correlated to the number of years they are married. the longer they are married, the further apart they walk from each other. sad… when i overheard conversations, the tone of voice used also seen to have this similar trend. sometimes, i felt embarrassed to have overheard the not-so-nice tone of voice used by one spouse on another. perhaps it is because of the frustrations that had built up over the course of time. Maybe it is the case of being so familiar with each other that they forgot they still have to talk nicely to their spouse. the thing about us human beings is that we tend to take things and people for granted.

more often than not, i do hear or read of accounts of wives lamenting their husbands being unromantic towards them. before marriage, the guy would walk with her, held her hands and made sure she was alright. he would remember special occasions and go through pains to surprise her. flowers, presents, kisses and hugs, etc… but these slowly vanish like smoke after marriage. of course, it happened to the men as well, especially when the wives are also career women and/or the children vying for constant attention.

when i look around, i often ask myself this question: will it happen to me? would the routine set in so deep and gradually that we forget we need to talk nicely to our other half or be loving? will we take each other for granted? i do not expect us to talk all the time. sometimes, some moments of quietness are important to let us appreciate each other’s company. but if these moments of silence are much more than the number of times we converse, then i think there is a problem here.

i fear that should i marry, that we would find ourselves in this situation. i fear we will gradually start to take each other’s existence in our own lives for granted. i do not want us to assume that we will always have each other forever. we need to constantly remind ourselves that even though we are married, there is still the need for kind words, for sweet considerate gestures, for dates to happen. but all this can happen only if both of us are in agreement.

whenever i see elderly couples walking, the husband tenderly holding his wife’s hand to make sure she is alright, my heart is warmed and i get all fuzzy. when i see an elderly woman gently attends to her husband at the coffee shop, i smile to myself. and i park this scene in my memory as a reminder.

the euphoria of the wedding day will eventually fade, but the love between the couple should burn on and on.

faith maketh a man November 5, 2009

i have been thinking about something for the past few days.

some people are generally rather resilient. they seem able to weather many storms in life. no matter how big or small a problem is, they are able to come out of it unscathed, even emerging stronger than before. it is as though they go through the baptism of fire to come out more victorious and in many ways happier and wiser. they learn their lessons well and move forward.

then there are others who wither at the very sign of a wind blowing, the brewing of a storm in a teacup. in times of real difficulties, they crumble like Graham biscuits. the common complaint on their lips is that things are hopeless, there is no way out or they want to find an escape route by running away or even seeking to end their lives.

some months back, an ex-student of mine passed away this way. she could not accept the failure of examinations. she chose to end her life prematurely. what she failed to see was the pain and confusion she left behind, many unanswered questions, the grief of her parents. she was so enveloped with her own situation that she did not realise she could have seek help from someone and live to tell the story. if only she could just talk to someone.

i have other ex-students who lamented about the stress they face, losing sleep over examinations, stressing themselves, studying late into the night. they bury themselves in their books and notes. but they failed to do just one very important thing: manage their stress levels. i know for a fact that when they were in school, we taught them how to manage stress in the face of looming examinations.we worked things out with them, we advised them. but when i talked to them now, i realise they have very much forgotten certain basic stress management skills. perhaps they do have very high expectations of themselves.

but what i was really thinking about is this – why the difference in the response of these two groups of people?

more often than not, the resilient ones tend to be firm believers of certain religions. it is as though their spiritual beliefs act as a solid foundation for them to anchor themselves to. regardless of the winds and the rains, the storms and the sleet, they are able to find strength to ride the storms of life and emerge stronger. their beliefs form the backbone to help them through difficult times and serve as a motivation to focus on the brighter side of things. it is as though the fact that they believe there is a Divine Being who is over and above everything else, who is their source of help, this propels them forward and keep them afloat when the wave threatens to pull them under.

or perhaps it is not the belief in a Divine Someone, but a very tenacious spirit that refuses to succumb to the pressures of life. this, too, is a form of belief, that nothing will be so great as to break oneself. it is belief that he is really stronger than he think. this could have been fuelled by prior experiences. whenever he falls, he just pick himself up again, beat off the dust, clean up his wounds and trudge forward. at the end of it, he would look back and trace the little successes  each step of the way. this motivates him to rise above each difficulty that comes his way.

in the animal world, species survive and reproduce because of one simple rule : Survival of the Fittest. i suppose we could take a leaf off the book of nature and be resilient and tenacious. the strong will remain standing, the weak will fall off the sides. believe in something or Someone. it helps our soul.

a year of defeat but also one of great learning October 30, 2009

the school term has ended today. after today, there would not be any more lessons to go to. it’s just time for us to finish up our paperwork, reports and start planning for 2010.

looking back at this academic year, i see it as a year full of frustrations, disappointments but yet a new level of realisation, of awareness in the area of work.

i started the year feeling lost. lost because i lost my anchor in my organisation. the very person whom we all look to for direction left and what we have, in his place, is another leader who has yet to win our respect. (but we accorded him the respect as his position requires of us) for the whole year, many of us feel we are just drifting along, like a ship with a captain but no rudder. sad to say, i am ending my year in the same state.

it is a year of defeat but i choose to look at the learning. i learnt that we would not always have visionary leaders. we learn to manage as best as we can. as long as we keep our focus on the cause we are working for, the reason for us being in the vocation each of us have chosen, we would be able to find our direction, in alignment with the organisation’s vision and mission. since we do not have a rudder, we improvise with an oar. in the howling wind, we cannot hear the instructions given or the judgement given is not right. if we know what is good for the organisation and the people we are serving, we quietly steer the ship towards the right direction.

i have always maintained that i do not work for rank nor position. but at the back of my mind, i have always wondered if i could accept it when my efforts go unrecognised. this year, i found out for myself that i truly am in this line for the altruistic reasons. i teach to impact my students. as long as the programmes i have planned benefitted them, that would be good enough for me.

what is more important is i have the love and support of my staff, my students, ex-students and most of all, Chef. this is more than i can ask for.

education is more than just the transfer of knowledge. it is about values, recognising the potential in a child and finding ways to help him realise it. it is helping him create a future for himself, knowing what’s best for him even when he does not know it at that point of time and insisting that he does what is right. it is about teaching him to fish, instead of fishing for him. this is what education is all about.

P.S. I love you October 28, 2009

i’m reading this book now… never caught the movie when it was screened. but i saw the music video on youtube and my interest was piqued. i know if i am to watch the dvd, i have to do so alone. i am a softie. i cry easily and i know for sure, i will cry buckets while watching the movie. reading the book brought tears to my eyes. my eyes were puffy the next day, much to my embarrassment.

what touched me was how even though he was in pain, Gerry still managed to write the notes for Holly, one note for the remaining months of the year. he knew she would have a very difficult time coming to terms to his passing and most of all, he knew just how dependent she was on him. his worry was that she would mourn for him for far too long and lose out in finding her happiness after his death. after all, she was only thirty.

as my eyes took in the contents of the notes for each month, what stood out was his deep love for her and just how much he knew her what she needed. he was so selfless and rather than demand all attention to be on him, he put her first in his remaining days. though he had every right to demand priority from his friends and her, he did not.

i do not know if i will have that strength, that tenacity if i were in his shoes. i have the grit to bear through pain and all, but i am not entirely selfless. all too often, i tend to be inward looking and focus on self too much. i do not say it out, but i think of myself too often. i allow self-pity to engulf me too often. then i feel embarrassed by these thoughts.

can i be like Gerry? will i be like Gerry? when i am able-bodied, i probably can. but what if i become dependent on others, become bedriddened, with all sorts of pain and frustrations about everything in life?  would i still be like him?

a “family” outing after a long time… October 20, 2009

Chef and i miss going out with Princess and our dogs. sundays are now out of the question, since he is unable to take off, given the busy-ness at the beach bistro. the last time we managed it was when Princess skipped school on the eve of Children’s Day and i could only meet them after 3pm.

monday was a school holiday for us. so he arranged to take his offday to go out as a “family”, plus his friend’s husky.

we did the regular sunday stuff…. met in the afternoon (he lazed about at home in the morning), brought the dogs to the dog run at P.R. Farmway, gave them a good brush-down of their coats, then sent them home in the evening. then we went out for dinner at West Coast Food Centre. i do not get to see Princess much, so time spent with her was very precious.

i have no idea when we can go out together again… in fact, i do not even know when Chef and i can even go on a proper date. the last one was when we watched the movie “X-Men”. we meet on an ad-hoc basis, if he can get off work just a little earlier than expected. each proper date is so special, simply because they are so hard to come by, given the nature of his work.